a lady does not want to have all of your babies


Remember when I said a lady does not drunk dial? Oh, and how I said I was good at avoiding it? Yeah, well, let me tell you friends, things change. Quickly. Particularly when you’ve had a few good hours of fascist fun playing Germany in Axis and Allies (and winning, I might add) and an Irish car bomb. To add to the old fashioned, which added to the wine. By the time my friend and I traded our bar stools for seats at a table, I had pretty much exhausted my safe list of friends to text and my brain cells.

So what do I do? I decide to text the guy I met in the same bar a couple months ago. The one who told me he didn’t think dating would be a good idea. He would want something more serious. He can’t do something serious now. Logic, sometimes it’s a bitch.

Pick up lines just come to me. I wouldn’t say they are good. Still, they work. I ask him if he’s at the bar (He clearly is not. The bar is small. I’ve been to the bathroom a time or two. I know who’s in there.) When he gives the expected answer, I go for it.

“I am. You probably should be too.”

Boys. They confuse me so. He not only says he’ll come out, he gets there within 20 minutes. Here is where I’d like to share a series dating tips from the 1930s a friend found on another blog.

Being that I was already dressed when I got to the bar, I’d say the night began pretty well.

OK, so I did pull out my lip gloss wand for want of actual chapstick at the bar, but it was before the gentleman arrived.

Thank you, former braces, for keeping at least one aspect of my dating behavior in tact.

Perhaps the problem here is that I was not on a real date. Dancing, what dancing?

I’m not exactly sure what I did in his car. I asked him to take me home. I asked him to come in to my apartment. I told him he probably thought I was loose. But I’m pretty sure I did not apply makeup in his rearview mirror. Go me!

The last time I didn’t need to wear a bra, I was 10.

I’d say I kept myself in check. In public, anyway.

Does overly sentimental include saying, “I’m kind of in love with you. Just a little bit though, it’s not a big deal.”? I was in my own apartment . . .

Headwaiter. Pfft.

Alright, guilty. I definitely asked him if he liked my new hat. Then when he claimed he’d seen it before, I accused him of stalking me. Huh.

Irish car bombs are never a good decision. Never. Silly, I’d go so far to say, is probably an understatement. Silly is when you try to tickle someone. Silly is when you tell a bad joke and laugh hysterically. Silly is not telling someone you will move with them and have all of their babies. All of five to eight of them. Silly also is not justifying yourself by saying you’d be really good at it. “I have wonderful hips!” “I’d look really cute pregnant!”

“You look a lot like my exboyfriend.” I’m not so sure if that counts or not.

Pass out from too much liquor? Don’t mind if I do. I called to apologize. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get called back.


3 Responses to “a lady does not want to have all of your babies”

  1. 1 Jason

    I like knowing that my friends, too, make more-than-silly mistakes. Sometimes I forget that we’re all in this business of looking-to-be-loved together.

  2. 2 Lady Emily

    I’m glad Mother Russia didn’t come out to said bar. She has her own handkerchief (which is red), NEVER wears brassieres, only gets sentimental when she talks about the proletarian revolution, and hasn’t had a good night unless she’s passed out on her social allotment of vodka.

    She most certainly does not want to have all of your babies…unless it’s for the common good.

  1. 1 Every Time I Think I’m Finished Being Young, I Catch Myself Having Fun « (HAND)MADE IN FRIENDSHIP

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